Refusing to Feel Guilty

There's a lot of guilt-tripping when it comes to pregnancy / impending mum-dom and you know what, I point blank refuse to feel guilty about anything now or going forward. This isn't me on the defensive, I just see and hear it a lot aimed at other women and it makes my blood boil for them. Especially those with a much thinner skin than I.

Firstly there's the breastfeeding debate. Following surgery to remove a bloody mahoosive tumour in my early twenties, I have been warned that one boob may not even 'deliver' anyway, but that aside, you know what, if breastfeeding doesn't work out for me or for baby, for ANY reason, then I'll know I've tried and will move on. I refuse to sit around feeling like I have failed them or that I'm a terrible parent. Like everything in life, it's not for everyone. And move on I will. 

I caught a debate on the radio recently whereby women were calling in in floods of tears, feeling like the Mother from Hell for 'giving up' on their child. Whilst I don't doubt for one second that "breast is best", I see it like a school sports day - it's not about the winning it's the taking part. I'll give it a ruddy good go but hey ho, if it's a no go, I won't be crying on the radio over spilt (breast) milk!

Then there's the maternity leave debate. I only plan to take months off and following that share the childcare between mum, mother in law and nursery. And I'm not going to feel guilty about that either. I happen to feel very fortunate that I Iove my job and fought to get back into the media industry having left it years ago. It's my passion, a hobby, I love the people I work with and what we do every day and that doesn't mean I'll love my child any less or that they'll be neglected in any way. They'll have a lovely life and will be loved, fed, watered, with a roof over their head with ruddy John Lewis nursery wallpaper and an entire Mamas and Papas range for God's sake. So no, I don't feel guilty and I refuse to begin to feel guilty. And I know parenting is much more about the time you give to them, more importantly quality time, as opposed to the material things, but they'll still have that in bucket-loads, regardless of busy jobs that we have to fit around them.

I'm not looking forwarding to balancing the two hats, I have to say, and I know for a fact it won't be easy, but it'll all be fine. Parents all over the world do it every single day, not to mention single parents who, quite frankly, I've no idea how! Now THAT'S a juggling act! Hats massively off to you!!! Then there's women in third world countries who have a baby one day and are back off to work the next day, baby in tow, as they work hours on end for what we would consider pennies here. Amazing women who, it appears, have equally amazingly well-behaved children to boot so I actually think they have a lesson to teach us and not the other way around!

It's in supermarkets that I tend to see all the, shall we say, 'sights'. Children that are dragged up, running riot all over the shop, walking around with parents who have no morals or manners to pass on, who are shouted at at a thousand decibels in between a verbal slur of effs and blinds. Kids who look filthy, unwashed and uncared for. That's not me being judgmental. Like Catchphrase, I'm just saying what I see. So, until mine are in the same predicament, then, no, I won't be feeling guilty. 

I read an article the other day about women all over the world and what they pack in their hospital bags before giving birth. A woman in Africa had packed everything into a plastic bag. 'Everything' included a sheet because the hospital, that she had to WALK a mile to I must add, didn't have sheets, or even beds for that matter. The Western women in the article had multiple bags packed complete with tablets (the electrical variety), mobile phones, midwife notes (even a midwife in many parts of the world is a pipe-dream), games, numerous outfits for both mum and baby, magazines and huge amounts of pampering toiletries. I can't say I won't be the same, having already ordered my hospital bag from Accessorize and with varying nightwear options ready hanging. I've even thought about when I should go get my hair, eye-brows and a good old wax done ahead of the day. Now THAT makes me feel guilty!

I think there's too many comparisons made when it comes to babies, and if you happen to have one that doesn't quite behave like another, mums start to wonder what they've done wrong and panic. If every baby was the same, someone would've written a one size fits all baby guide book and invented a miracle cure for sleepless nights by now! I'm sure there are people out there thinking what would I know having not even had a baby yet but I'm just preparing myself for a motherhood mantra to use during moments of complete knackered-ness and bewilderment - that I'm a bloody good mum and have no reasons to feel guilty.

What's in a Name?

Picking names took us ages and so much longer than I / we expected! There won't be any 'reveals' in this blog by the way, I'm very much of the opinion that I don't want to refer to our little person until they're here and like I've heard a few people say, if someone dislikes the names you've picked (not that we would care in any way as of course it's a very personal thing), they're less likely to pull the 'ugh, hate that name' face once it's physically attached to a teeny tot.

We first started talking names about three months in - past the 'safe' stage. It was during a trip to Wales in the car - following the obligatory singing of a rock ballad / duet on Smooth FM - standard! I had started a little list on my phone and read each name out. I was rather proud of my choices and was feeling pretty sure that Mr J would agree with a name for each sex and there we go, job done. Ha ha ha ha haaaa. We ended up with a shortlist of about three names in total (not even per sex!), and even then I'd started to go off some of the names on the now micro list myself...so it was back to the drawing board.

A few weeks later, I came home to a little tub with pieces of paper in and was asked to pull them out one by one and read them aloud for us to discuss. I was given the instruction of not pulling my face at any of them but to at least try and be diplomatic and open minded - it was hard not to at some of them but I behaved (ish) and read each one out. I couldn't not laugh at one of the names however - he'd tried to make a little event of the name choosing, bless him, he's really lovely when it comes to sentimental moments like this, but when one of the names he'd entered was basically a huge-haired 80's popstar slash Eastenders trollop, I couldn't tell whether it was a joke to see how I'd react or whether he'd written it as a mistake. It wasn't a joke it seems. Or a mistake. But I did laugh. Lots. I won't mention the name for fear of offending anyone(!) but needless to say the piece of paper with THAT name on was screwed up and tossed aside!

There were two names he'd entered however that had also been in my original list and that just 'sat' with both of us, one for each sex, and so we took that as a sign that they were the 'meant to be' names and the job was done. We had our names.

Having never had a middle name myself and with my original, maiden initials of 'LL', I didn't want my child to be without one and so the thinking caps went back on for those. (Footnote: My dad even joked recently that my middle name should've been 'Olive', so that my maiden initials were 'LOL' - it would have been fitting for me, I have to say!)

Choosing middle names was a tough one too. Mr J actually goes by his middle name, his official forename being a traditional passed-down family name - a name of which his dad, cousins and uncle also have. It's such a lovely sentiment and a great tradition, particularly as the name in question is his Grandad's of who was a huge pillar of his community, was incredibly well thought of in the area, he was practically a local celebrity and sounded like a bloomin' fabulous chap all round. However, there have been impracticalities of this ie. post - when Mr J lived at home it wasn't always clear whether the post was for him or his dad, unless their middle initial was also stated - which it wasn't always; hospitals - it seems that the hubbie had two medical files - one in his actual name (first name, middle name, surname) and the other in his not-so-actual-name but the name everyone knows him as (middle name (but referred to name), surname). It has also meant that we have had to continually remember to state his official name in any official documents, which isn't always easy! This caused problems when he paid his student loan off and was owed money back - not helped by the fact that his old bank account into which his student loan was originally paid, and subsequently the over-payment paid back into, differed from his official name and so a happy bunny he wasn't! So you can imagine why, as lovely as it is, should we have a boy, I've managed to persuade him that we don't follow the tradition but will happily accept the tradition by means of a middle name and a compromise!

During a recent night out with my sister in law, we also discussed all the ins and outs of name choosing. There are so many unwritten rules, it's a wonder anyone has a name at all and we don't just shout "oi, you" at one another! The choices are made even harder when you're pretty much the last of your family and friends to 'pro-create' meaning loads of names have already gone!

She and I discussed a few of the things to consider, as follows:

- It's best to pick a name that you can shout 'nicely' across a park and that doesn't make you sound like a rogue character from 'Corrie' - especially with such a broad, Northern accent. Certain names can look lovely on paper and sound beautiful when said by someone else but when shouted with an accent......not so nice!

- You don't want too popular a name for fear of the entire class being called the same. I was one of three Louise's in my class and my brother one of four Chris's. How I didn't have a nervous breakdown at my lack of name originality and lack of middle name is beyond me (#FirstWorldProblems!) - I joke with my mum and dad about this too, so if you're reading this, I've grown to love it, don't worry :)

- With two best friends and two extended family members also currently pregnant - three of the four whom are due to give birth BEFORE us, it's best to have stand-in names in the event our names are 'nicked' before our very eyes ;) This will give us huge problems being that we don't have any stand-in names!

- You can't have a name that is destined for Eton, when in fact, they're going to be going to school in the North West...you can of course, but be prepared to hire a counsellor!

- Celebrity / famous names. Now, whilst we didn't actively look at any in this category, we did find that there were certain names that we fell in love with only to realise that we couldn't particularly use them due to our surname being Jones, for example:

* Jessica Jones - There's a new Netflix series out with this name
* Grace Jones - Crazy, singer lady
* India Jones - We LOVED this name and were so close to sticking with it. Not only do we think it's a beautiful name but India is a place we both love, having both been independently and together but, no. There's the Temple of Doom and Raiders of the Lost Ark films to consider! Doh!
* Thomas Jones - "It's not unusual..."
* Jack Jones - There's a song lyric, a shop and the fact that it's cockney rhyming slang for being on your own! No.

- There are then things that are personal to one party but not another. For example, I absolutely loved the name Freya, but it turns out this is also the name of an IT project at my husband's company, so that one soon lost its sparkle! Or maybe one of you loves a name but another hates it because you knew a slapper down the road with that name or a junkie boy. Those names soon lose their sparkle too!

- During a meal out with my best friend, it also turns out that initials are a consideration too. Names with middle names may be all very fair, well and lovely, but put the initials together and it's a bit of a bugger if those turn out to be S O D or P O O. In our case, with a J-starting surname, we need to avoid the likes of F A J or B O J.

Yep, it was a tough old one but fingers crossed we get to keep one of the two names we've got! It would be just our luck that a brand new horror film comes out the same week as it's born and of the same name! Please. God. No. Can someone please send me a Deed Poll link just in case? ;)

Don't even start me on the whole, 'but it doesn't look like a [insert name]' once we see him / her for the first time!

And don't worry, mum, (and here was something else to consider, albeit a tiny thing!) if you ARE in fact reading this, the framed Scrabble names piece you have in the hall with all our names on (for those who don't know, my mum was once given a lovely gift from a friend with all our names on spelled out in Scrabble letters - mum, dad, me brother, hubbie, sister in law, niece, nephew, our dog, brother's dog - given at a time when I think everyone had lost all hope or belief that we'd be adding to our brood!) - I've checked, mum, and the letters of our two names (girl or boy) would fit alongside the others, so please don't anyone nick our names. Life is tough enough ;) I thank you...