Refusing to Feel Guilty

There's a lot of guilt-tripping when it comes to pregnancy / impending mum-dom and you know what, I point blank refuse to feel guilty about anything now or going forward. This isn't me on the defensive, I just see and hear it a lot aimed at other women and it makes my blood boil for them. Especially those with a much thinner skin than I.

Firstly there's the breastfeeding debate. Following surgery to remove a bloody mahoosive tumour in my early twenties, I have been warned that one boob may not even 'deliver' anyway, but that aside, you know what, if breastfeeding doesn't work out for me or for baby, for ANY reason, then I'll know I've tried and will move on. I refuse to sit around feeling like I have failed them or that I'm a terrible parent. Like everything in life, it's not for everyone. And move on I will. 

I caught a debate on the radio recently whereby women were calling in in floods of tears, feeling like the Mother from Hell for 'giving up' on their child. Whilst I don't doubt for one second that "breast is best", I see it like a school sports day - it's not about the winning it's the taking part. I'll give it a ruddy good go but hey ho, if it's a no go, I won't be crying on the radio over spilt (breast) milk!

Then there's the maternity leave debate. I only plan to take months off and following that share the childcare between mum, mother in law and nursery. And I'm not going to feel guilty about that either. I happen to feel very fortunate that I Iove my job and fought to get back into the media industry having left it years ago. It's my passion, a hobby, I love the people I work with and what we do every day and that doesn't mean I'll love my child any less or that they'll be neglected in any way. They'll have a lovely life and will be loved, fed, watered, with a roof over their head with ruddy John Lewis nursery wallpaper and an entire Mamas and Papas range for God's sake. So no, I don't feel guilty and I refuse to begin to feel guilty. And I know parenting is much more about the time you give to them, more importantly quality time, as opposed to the material things, but they'll still have that in bucket-loads, regardless of busy jobs that we have to fit around them.

I'm not looking forwarding to balancing the two hats, I have to say, and I know for a fact it won't be easy, but it'll all be fine. Parents all over the world do it every single day, not to mention single parents who, quite frankly, I've no idea how! Now THAT'S a juggling act! Hats massively off to you!!! Then there's women in third world countries who have a baby one day and are back off to work the next day, baby in tow, as they work hours on end for what we would consider pennies here. Amazing women who, it appears, have equally amazingly well-behaved children to boot so I actually think they have a lesson to teach us and not the other way around!

It's in supermarkets that I tend to see all the, shall we say, 'sights'. Children that are dragged up, running riot all over the shop, walking around with parents who have no morals or manners to pass on, who are shouted at at a thousand decibels in between a verbal slur of effs and blinds. Kids who look filthy, unwashed and uncared for. That's not me being judgmental. Like Catchphrase, I'm just saying what I see. So, until mine are in the same predicament, then, no, I won't be feeling guilty. 

I read an article the other day about women all over the world and what they pack in their hospital bags before giving birth. A woman in Africa had packed everything into a plastic bag. 'Everything' included a sheet because the hospital, that she had to WALK a mile to I must add, didn't have sheets, or even beds for that matter. The Western women in the article had multiple bags packed complete with tablets (the electrical variety), mobile phones, midwife notes (even a midwife in many parts of the world is a pipe-dream), games, numerous outfits for both mum and baby, magazines and huge amounts of pampering toiletries. I can't say I won't be the same, having already ordered my hospital bag from Accessorize and with varying nightwear options ready hanging. I've even thought about when I should go get my hair, eye-brows and a good old wax done ahead of the day. Now THAT makes me feel guilty!

I think there's too many comparisons made when it comes to babies, and if you happen to have one that doesn't quite behave like another, mums start to wonder what they've done wrong and panic. If every baby was the same, someone would've written a one size fits all baby guide book and invented a miracle cure for sleepless nights by now! I'm sure there are people out there thinking what would I know having not even had a baby yet but I'm just preparing myself for a motherhood mantra to use during moments of complete knackered-ness and bewilderment - that I'm a bloody good mum and have no reasons to feel guilty.

What's in a Name?

Picking names took us ages and so much longer than I / we expected! There won't be any 'reveals' in this blog by the way, I'm very much of the opinion that I don't want to refer to our little person until they're here and like I've heard a few people say, if someone dislikes the names you've picked (not that we would care in any way as of course it's a very personal thing), they're less likely to pull the 'ugh, hate that name' face once it's physically attached to a teeny tot.

We first started talking names about three months in - past the 'safe' stage. It was during a trip to Wales in the car - following the obligatory singing of a rock ballad / duet on Smooth FM - standard! I had started a little list on my phone and read each name out. I was rather proud of my choices and was feeling pretty sure that Mr J would agree with a name for each sex and there we go, job done. Ha ha ha ha haaaa. We ended up with a shortlist of about three names in total (not even per sex!), and even then I'd started to go off some of the names on the now micro list myself...so it was back to the drawing board.

A few weeks later, I came home to a little tub with pieces of paper in and was asked to pull them out one by one and read them aloud for us to discuss. I was given the instruction of not pulling my face at any of them but to at least try and be diplomatic and open minded - it was hard not to at some of them but I behaved (ish) and read each one out. I couldn't not laugh at one of the names however - he'd tried to make a little event of the name choosing, bless him, he's really lovely when it comes to sentimental moments like this, but when one of the names he'd entered was basically a huge-haired 80's popstar slash Eastenders trollop, I couldn't tell whether it was a joke to see how I'd react or whether he'd written it as a mistake. It wasn't a joke it seems. Or a mistake. But I did laugh. Lots. I won't mention the name for fear of offending anyone(!) but needless to say the piece of paper with THAT name on was screwed up and tossed aside!

There were two names he'd entered however that had also been in my original list and that just 'sat' with both of us, one for each sex, and so we took that as a sign that they were the 'meant to be' names and the job was done. We had our names.

Having never had a middle name myself and with my original, maiden initials of 'LL', I didn't want my child to be without one and so the thinking caps went back on for those. (Footnote: My dad even joked recently that my middle name should've been 'Olive', so that my maiden initials were 'LOL' - it would have been fitting for me, I have to say!)

Choosing middle names was a tough one too. Mr J actually goes by his middle name, his official forename being a traditional passed-down family name - a name of which his dad, cousins and uncle also have. It's such a lovely sentiment and a great tradition, particularly as the name in question is his Grandad's of who was a huge pillar of his community, was incredibly well thought of in the area, he was practically a local celebrity and sounded like a bloomin' fabulous chap all round. However, there have been impracticalities of this ie. post - when Mr J lived at home it wasn't always clear whether the post was for him or his dad, unless their middle initial was also stated - which it wasn't always; hospitals - it seems that the hubbie had two medical files - one in his actual name (first name, middle name, surname) and the other in his not-so-actual-name but the name everyone knows him as (middle name (but referred to name), surname). It has also meant that we have had to continually remember to state his official name in any official documents, which isn't always easy! This caused problems when he paid his student loan off and was owed money back - not helped by the fact that his old bank account into which his student loan was originally paid, and subsequently the over-payment paid back into, differed from his official name and so a happy bunny he wasn't! So you can imagine why, as lovely as it is, should we have a boy, I've managed to persuade him that we don't follow the tradition but will happily accept the tradition by means of a middle name and a compromise!

During a recent night out with my sister in law, we also discussed all the ins and outs of name choosing. There are so many unwritten rules, it's a wonder anyone has a name at all and we don't just shout "oi, you" at one another! The choices are made even harder when you're pretty much the last of your family and friends to 'pro-create' meaning loads of names have already gone!

She and I discussed a few of the things to consider, as follows:

- It's best to pick a name that you can shout 'nicely' across a park and that doesn't make you sound like a rogue character from 'Corrie' - especially with such a broad, Northern accent. Certain names can look lovely on paper and sound beautiful when said by someone else but when shouted with an accent......not so nice!

- You don't want too popular a name for fear of the entire class being called the same. I was one of three Louise's in my class and my brother one of four Chris's. How I didn't have a nervous breakdown at my lack of name originality and lack of middle name is beyond me (#FirstWorldProblems!) - I joke with my mum and dad about this too, so if you're reading this, I've grown to love it, don't worry :)

- With two best friends and two extended family members also currently pregnant - three of the four whom are due to give birth BEFORE us, it's best to have stand-in names in the event our names are 'nicked' before our very eyes ;) This will give us huge problems being that we don't have any stand-in names!

- You can't have a name that is destined for Eton, when in fact, they're going to be going to school in the North West...you can of course, but be prepared to hire a counsellor!

- Celebrity / famous names. Now, whilst we didn't actively look at any in this category, we did find that there were certain names that we fell in love with only to realise that we couldn't particularly use them due to our surname being Jones, for example:

* Jessica Jones - There's a new Netflix series out with this name
* Grace Jones - Crazy, singer lady
* India Jones - We LOVED this name and were so close to sticking with it. Not only do we think it's a beautiful name but India is a place we both love, having both been independently and together but, no. There's the Temple of Doom and Raiders of the Lost Ark films to consider! Doh!
* Thomas Jones - "It's not unusual..."
* Jack Jones - There's a song lyric, a shop and the fact that it's cockney rhyming slang for being on your own! No.

- There are then things that are personal to one party but not another. For example, I absolutely loved the name Freya, but it turns out this is also the name of an IT project at my husband's company, so that one soon lost its sparkle! Or maybe one of you loves a name but another hates it because you knew a slapper down the road with that name or a junkie boy. Those names soon lose their sparkle too!

- During a meal out with my best friend, it also turns out that initials are a consideration too. Names with middle names may be all very fair, well and lovely, but put the initials together and it's a bit of a bugger if those turn out to be S O D or P O O. In our case, with a J-starting surname, we need to avoid the likes of F A J or B O J.

Yep, it was a tough old one but fingers crossed we get to keep one of the two names we've got! It would be just our luck that a brand new horror film comes out the same week as it's born and of the same name! Please. God. No. Can someone please send me a Deed Poll link just in case? ;)

Don't even start me on the whole, 'but it doesn't look like a [insert name]' once we see him / her for the first time!

And don't worry, mum, (and here was something else to consider, albeit a tiny thing!) if you ARE in fact reading this, the framed Scrabble names piece you have in the hall with all our names on (for those who don't know, my mum was once given a lovely gift from a friend with all our names on spelled out in Scrabble letters - mum, dad, me brother, hubbie, sister in law, niece, nephew, our dog, brother's dog - given at a time when I think everyone had lost all hope or belief that we'd be adding to our brood!) - I've checked, mum, and the letters of our two names (girl or boy) would fit alongside the others, so please don't anyone nick our names. Life is tough enough ;) I thank you...

Does My Bump Look Big In This?

So, a cheeky mare asked me how long I had left recently. I replied with my due date and the said cheeky mare responded with, "Gosh, is that all? I'd have said you were ready to pop!"

I was unaware for a second or two whether what had run through my brain ie. "Well, I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" had actually left my brain and blurted out through my mouth but unfortunately it hadn't and instead I stated something along the lines of, "I know, it just seems to have become this huge bump all of a sudden!" before turning around and immediately starting up a conversation with someone who wasn't the said cheeky mare.

Now, I'm not normally this defensive nor would I even care, as quite frankly I'm usually very much of the opinion that what anyone else thinks of me is quite frankly, none of my business, and so maybe it's just the hormones talking but there really does seem to be something about being pregnant that means people can suddenly comment on your appearance with no consequence.

Nor am I walking around thinking I look particularly hideous or whale-like, I'm just getting on with it really. It is what it is and being pregnant and all the expanding that goes with it (including the boob-age! Whoop! I've never been short-changed in that department but still...whoop!) hasn't really bothered me, especially when it has meant an ever expanding wardrobe too...double whoop!!

Now, I have to say that had a family or friend commented on Bump-gate, I would have laughed and agreed (genuinely), but the mare in question was a complete stranger - I'd met the woman only seconds before. In fact, I think, "Hi, I'm Louise" came AFTER I'd been judged! Looking back, I actually wish I'd have made her feel uber uncomfortable and replied, "..but I'm not pregnant.." but it has to be said, I was contemplating whether I should grab a muffin or a cookie from the table next to us at the time ;)

Yeah, it's funny how overly personal people suddenly are when confronted with a pregnant belly.

I was at a shmoozy event for work recently when a guy, who I have met before but wouldn't say know, came over to me, spotted my tum and went on to ask me if my hubbie planned to be at the 'goal end' during labour. When I replied, "Erm...no", he continued with, "Well, he's obviously been down there before or you wouldn't be in that position!" Oh how I LOL'd....hmmm.

Which, in actual fact, isn't the case in our situation. I may have said in my 'inaugural' post last week that babies come from good old S-E-X. Not in our case.

We've never been a particularly broody couple. We like kids, don't get me wrong, and love our niece and nephews to bits as we do our friends' kids. We enjoy their company but never particulalry felt that 'urge.' I was always more inclined to go completely gooey over a puppy than a baby. Plus, we've always been the type of people to throw ourselves into our hectic jobs.

We got married five years ago having been together twelve years (as I said in my wedding speech - "We've always rushed into things!"). It was then that we began to think about the future a little more and realised that, should we never have kids, then we'd potentially look back and regret it. I'd come off the Pill a couple of years previously purely to give my body a break and so it was time to definitively "not be careful."

It was funny how naughty it felt at first to not be using anything, it almost felt as though your mum was going to burst in and give you a lecture on the birds and the bees.

I wouldn't say we particularly 'tried' - we didn't exactly time 'it' nor wake up taking temperatures etc. Maybe naively and wrongly, we simply put getting pregnant down to good old pot luck and Mother Nature.

As it turns out, in the five years that followed, Mother Nature was in fact a complete bitch. My dad was diagnosed with terminal small cell lung cancer almost a year to the day after we got married, which I can't deny, did put a huge amount of stress and worry on both of us. Thank God - I'm not religious but I feel I have to thank someone to show how grateful we are that he is still with us against all odds - he's managed to fight it like a complete legend. He'll never get rid of it but for now the bastard Cancer is still in its cage.

After two years of unprotected sex it dawned on us that nothing was happening and off to the doc's it was.

Three years followed of undignified poking and prodding, pain and discomfort, crap drug after crap drug. It seems that my hormone levels apparently jumped from month to month meaning that for us to get pregnant naturally would be possible but more pot luck than normal. When you think that a 'normal' couple only have a 4% chance of getting pregnant naturally each month, it's a wonder there's so many of us on the planet!

Our 'luck' reduced again by the fact that my husband had a lot of global work trips during this time and I worked a lot of long hours..and of course sex does IDEALLY require you to be in the same room! Phones and photos when apart may be a fun little swap whilst apart (!) but you can't really pop the consequential semen in a bag with a turkey baster and courier it over can you? ;) Can you?? I never had a problem with the way it was in terms of work. It didn't help but there was no point worrying about something we just had to get on with.

We were told we had 'Unexplained Infertility' which basically means there was no real explanation as to why nothing had happened. In a weird way, we were kind of hoping that something would be wrong, because if something was wrong, then it could potentially be fixed.

So after years of the said prodding and poking (in every respect!), we were put on the list for an actual procedure as opposed to simply pill popping and being tested in every undignified way possible.

After we had reached the top of the list for a procedure, we were then told we would have to wait another three months whilst the new clinic was audited. It was a set back but we vowed to make the most of the Summer, booked a lovely holiday and drank lots of wine, and basically didn't care about it for a little while.

The day arrived to go back to the clinic and so it began. I was taught how to inject myself and did so every morning for a few weeks. That was my morning routine at least. My nightly routine was the very glamorous procedure of a torpedo sized suppository (have I spelt that correctly?) - if not, let's just say it was a 'pop up the bum' tablet. Gorgeous.

A few weeks later was procedure day. We had been offered three goes of IUI (artificial insemination) and then, if unsuccessful, IVF. After months and months of internal scans and random alien looking objects being shoved up 'there', I was beyond caring when a catheter went up alongside a needle, tubing, you name it. If the kitchen sink had been plonked up too, I wouldn't have noticed!

We didn't get off to the best start as, at the beginning of the procedure, we were told by the nurse that it was highly unlikely to work as our levels weren't the best on the morning and she gave us the option to go home whilst they figured out what they could do for us. We stated that we hadn't come this far just to give up at this hurdle and legs akimbo it was...

We knocked Mother Nature out fair and square as it happened as two weeks later, it was test time. A little faint line appeared, and there it was, we were pregnant. Mother Nature took two blows that week in fact. Only the day before my dad had been back to the Cancer hospital and was informed that the Cancer was still a caged beast and, for now, against all odds, was doing really well.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant now and it's bizarre recounting all of this as, for such a long time, it consumed our lives with appointment after appointment, drug after drug, test after test, poke after poke (again, in every sense) and suddenly we have a house full of items we never thought we'd see here - cot, pram, car-seat, Moses basket. The first time we walked into Mothercare I practically recoiled in terror! Surely this was just somewhere we visited when buying baby gifts for friends and family!

So there we are, that's our little story. Maybe that's why I'm a little more catty than most when a stranger comments on my bump or when I'm asked (again, by someone who doesn't quite come under the friends or family banner!) why I wasn't all 'cooey' over our then impending 20 weeks scan. I was in fact very 'practical' about it as, after everything we've been through and with the knowledge that this is highly likely to be our first and last child, the scan was purely, for us, about whether everything was ok - not about a cute picture or whether it was Strawberry or Blueberry flavoured. We're having a surprise flavoured one by the way.

Don't worry, do feel free to comment on my bump..I'm gonna need content for my next blog after all ;)

No BS Mum?

Yes, I know, the web address is effectively (and purposely) 'Nobs Mum', but I do love an innuendo! The #SusanAlbumParty hashtag wasn't a PR stunt by Susan Boyle's record company at all was it?! ;)(..'anal bum party'.. remember it when her latest album at the time came out? No, I guess many of you wouldn't!)

So, why 'No BS Mum'? As I write this first ever post I sit here with an ever-expanding stomach (which still, on occasion, - depending on the top I'm wearing -  doesn't look quite big enough to be a baby belly and so I receive daily disapproving looks that say "keep off the pies, love!") - I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and am finding myself in a whole world of baby BS (yes, that's BullShit).

For example, yes, I know, it's dangerous to Google any symptoms of any ailment, pregnancy or not, but in finding myself randomly searching 'when will I feel it move?' or 'bum pain', 'constipation' and the like, I am faced with a never ending torrent of utter BS from all over the world. If I believed everything I read online and across all the ridiculous mum and baby forums, everything ends in a miscarriage or of course the obligatory brain tumour.

There's that and then there's those that can only write in text speak, or 'baby forum speak' - to those of you who may not have come across this, here's an example, "Did the BD today" (that's 'baby dance' apparently, ie. sex - Christ, it's 2016 isn't it, surely we all know babies come from S.E.X??!!) Or there's, "AF came today...gutted" - that's 'Aunt Flo' ie. her period. Surely in a forum that's all about babies, the 'art' of baby making and all the bloody palaver of it, where people are discussing their deepest private matters to complete strangers, people can allow themselves to tell it like it is eg....

.."Have been at it like rabbits for the last week ...but to no avail...came on my period like the bloody Niagara today..ah well, must try harder, where's that husband gone?" But then, that's just me ;)

For now, the days are gone where I would Google 'going out dresses', 'nights away', 'restaurants in...', because I'm quite simply well and truly cream crackered. But I refuse to be a baby or pregnancy bore and just wanted to write a little something from the heart, something a little fun, with a no BS approach, and to keep myself entertained (and hopefully a few more along the way) in the process. Comment, laugh with me, share with me and with others.

Welcome to NoBS Mum. I've a kiev in the oven so I'm off for that but back soon...